By Jeff Finley
Some authors are eager to write books that share their story, but Mike Chong Perkinson initially wasn’t sure he wanted to delve into chronicling the painful life experiences now recounted in his book, “Radically Living, Quietly Dying.” Still, he sensed a divine call to do so.
“I really didn’t want to write this book,” Perkinson admitted on a recent episode of “The Light + Life Podcast” in response to a question from host Brett Heintzman about the impetus for the new book from Light + Life Publishing.
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“I didn’t understand what love was. I didn’t understand what family was, and I had no concept of Jesus Christ.” – Mike Chong Perkinson
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“My statement has always been that you can’t say no and Lord in the same sentence, and the Lord has been prodding me for years to get this out,” Perkinson added. “I negotiated in my spirit, ‘I’ll talk more about my struggles. I’ll be a little more honest.’ About a year and a half ago, the Spirit just very strongly encouraged me: ‘It’s time,’ so trying to be an obedient son, I wrote the book.”
In sharing his journey from lostness to homecoming with God, other readers may find connections to their own spiritual journeys.
“The heart of the book is really to help pastors, leaders, and other people be honest and authentic to the struggle that we all face in life as broken people because of our first parents’ (Adam and Eve) sin,” said Perkinson — the lead pastor of The Lamb’s Fellowship in Lake Elsinore, California, and the new superintendent of the Pacific Coast Japanese Conference — whose early life did not necessarily suggest a future in ministry. “I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, and Jesus Christ were two words that were part of a litany of expletives.”
His first memory was of his father throwing a whiskey glass at him. His father “was a devout alcoholic and womanizer. He was the Caucasian side of my life. My mom was a very devoted Buddhist. She was South Korean and Chinese, so I didn’t grow up with any concept of Jesus. My father was abusive and violent to my mom,” Perkinson said. “I didn’t understand what love was. I didn’t understand what family was, and I had no concept of Jesus Christ.”
At age 13, a friend shared the gospel with him, “and then I ran smack-dab into Jesus,” recalled Perkinson, who, as a young teen, began reading 10 pages a day of the King James Version of the Bible. “I didn’t quite comprehend most of what I was reading, but I was up and doing it, and something happened to my heart. And as I began to grow in Christ, God became kind of Dad, and I started talking to him like a dad. The presence of the Spirit began to do some deep healing in me, and that began to change me.”
Performance and Depression
As he followed God’s call to enter ministry, Perkinson found himself haunted by what he describes as “this voice of performance.” A stressful Monday followed a successful Sunday, and he feared that people would think he was a fraud if he couldn’t address every theological issue and had to respond, “I don’t know.”
“My early years, I was probably reading 20 books at a time for fear that you might come up to me after service and ask me the one question I couldn’t answer,” he said. “I was locked and loaded — not necessarily because I loved Jesus … but because I didn’t want you to come ask me a question.”
Following Jesus didn’t mean a life free of worry or insecurity. Along with his own difficult life events, listening to other people’s problems took a toll. He said he sounded “great, but, man, I was hurting.”
“A lot of people commit their big sins before Christ, and I kind of waited until after I got saved and fell off the planet multiple times,” he said. “At 16, 22 and 31 are the three times I tried to kill myself. This wasn’t suicidal ideation. I was interrupted by the Holy Spirit three times while I was in the act.”
As a church planter, he led a class about being an adult child of an alcoholic, and the class led to many people seeking him out for counseling. While feeling suicidal himself, he was able to counsel other people not to commit suicide.
“God did this amazing stuff in people’s lives. People got healed, and they got free from their bondages while I was stuck,” he said.
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“I unlocked something and let something go, and that suicidal power broke that day in my life.” – Mike Chong Perkinson
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Then, while eating a bowl of oatmeal and “sulking in depression” on a day full of pastoral counseling, he sensed new energy and hope from the Holy Spirit.
“I slammed my breakfast table, and I stood up and screamed as loud as I could, ‘no, no,’ like I was saying to Satan himself: ‘No, I can’t do this anymore. I am done with your lies. I’m done with this suicidal thing. I have got to do something about this,’” Perkinson recalled. “I’ve shouted before, but something happened that day that had never happened before. I unlocked something and let something go, and that suicidal power broke that day in my life.”
He cautioned that he wasn’t “immediately healed” with everything becoming better in life, but he began a new journey.
“God began to deal with the source code that was causing all of it,” he said. “The next five years was dealing with the source code.”
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“I tell people regularly that you feel like you’re falling apart, [but] you’re actually not falling apart. You’re falling together into God’s hand.” – Mike Chong Perkinson
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Falling Together
Perkinson said it seemed like he was trying to keep his life together with duct tape, which resulted in “an amazing amount of stress” as he tried to go through life hiding his problems from other people.
“Eventually, when I let it all go, I sort of fell apart. I tell people regularly that you feel like you’re falling apart, [but] you’re actually not falling apart. You’re falling together into God’s hand,” he said. “It was the beginning of me falling together, and I became a whole Mike. The various Mikes that I was — the integration of the various selves — became whole.”
He cited 2 Corinthians 4:7, which states, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”
“We’re clay pots — earthenware vessels. I like to say we’re just all crackpots,” he said. “I don’t like to hide my cracks anymore, because I want you to look through my flaws to see the treasure that holds me together. I’m not that amazing. It’s Jesus that is.”
Click here to listen to the full podcast.
Click here to purchase “Radically Living, Quietly Dying: Breaking the Cycle of Shame” as an e-book.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts and need to speak to someone immediately, you can call or text 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline within the United States. (The lifeline is not affiliated with Light + Life or the Free Methodist Church USA.)
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Jeff Finley is this magazine’s executive editor. He joined the Light + Life team in 2011 after a dozen years of reporting and editing for Sun-Times Media. He is a member of John Wesley Free Methodist Church where his wife, Jen, serves as the lead pastor.
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