Reframing Discipleship: Moving Beyond Programs to Relational Intimacy

By Ronald Kuest

As we reflect on the current state of Christian community, I believe we can all agree on one thing: it’s time to reframe that process we call discipleship. Reframing is seeing the same object from a different perspective, and so in that light, I want to engage you in a fresh way of seeing and thinking about relational discipling — the deep, one-with-one connections where disciples make disciples.

Together, let’s rediscover the roots that transformed 12 lives and turned the world upside down. Like those first disciples, our growth in Christ stems from being with Him, not merely knowing about Him.

The Problem We Face

There is a problem in most churches today, and we all know it. This problem weighs heavily on our hearts. In the United States, Christians are declining in numbers, according to Gallup polling. Less than 60% of adults will identify as Christian within the next few years, according to a downward trend reported by the Pew Research Center. The Barna Group estimates that between 75,000 and 80,000 churches will likely close their doors in the coming years. Additionally, we’ve seen around 40 million people leave the church — the “de-churched.” Many are not angry or apathetic; they are sincere believers who feel that the church is no longer relevant.

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“… the problem isn’t just about empty pews; it’s about empty hearts.”

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In a concerning study by Discipleship.org, researchers could not find a single church in the U.S. with a viral, self-replicating culture of discipleship. Not one. This indicates a significant cultural issue and a failure in our kingdom responsibility. But the problem isn’t just about empty pews; it’s about empty hearts. Is it possible that the vitality of our vertical relationship with Jesus affects our horizontal relationships — how we live out our faith in community? As we reflect on these sobering statistics, could it be that the issue isn’t solely about our relevance in the community? Perhaps we, as the church, have been disobedient to our call — to love God, which naturally leads to loving others as Jesus loves us (1 John 4:7–16).

Let me put it a different way. The disturbing problem isn’t the number of people no longer in church. The problem is that people are no longer in a place where intentional spiritual growth can happen. We don’t have a numbers problem. We have an environment problem. Too often, we, as the church, have failed to help others develop a deep, life-altering relationship with Jesus.

Sadly, many churches today resemble old institutions like Sears — clinging to a cultural past — while the world around us moves with the speed and agility of Amazon. If we want to remain faithful to our calling, we must understand why discipleship collapsed and, more importantly, how we can change that. To illustrate this point, let me share a story that might resonate.

A Story of Reframing

Meet Sarah. She had been a dedicated member of her church for over a decade, actively participating in Bible studies and worship ministry. Yet, she felt something was missing. Although growing in her knowledge of God, she struggled with how to live her faith in her workplace and neighborhood authentically. The programs that once energized her began to feel routine, and she noticed younger generations drifting away.

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“What if spiritual growth wasn’t just about accumulating knowledge but about relationally living out her faith?”

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One day, after confiding in a friend about her concerns, Sarah was presented with a simple yet profound analogy: “Sarah, think of your spiritual growth as pouring water into a container that’s already full. But what if the issue isn’t with the water or container size? What if you’ve misunderstood the container’s purpose? It’s not a vase — it’s a watering can. You don’t have to wait until it’s full to use it.”

This analogy sparked a transformative shift in Sarah’s perspective — a reframing of her purpose. What if spiritual growth wasn’t just about accumulating knowledge but about relationally living out her faith? What if the answer wasn’t merely to reform outdated methods but to reframe timeless truths regarding how we help others grow in Christ?

With this newfound clarity, Sarah approached her church leaders, expressing that she didn’t need more programs; she needed support in realizing a vision for relational spiritual growth. Church leadership embraced her ideas, equipping people to disciple others uniquely and personally. The focus shifted from merely filling pews to cultivating deep, intentional relationships. They formed one-with-one discipling pairs centered on authentic connections, aiming to empower individuals to water gardens rather than just fill vases.

This story could reflect countless similar experiences, but we must first confront the problems and obstacles in our way.

Time to Reframe

In 1517, the church was ripe for reformation — a reset of beliefs and practices. Martin Luther famously posted his 95 Theses on the door of Wittenberg Cathedral, marking the beginning of the Reformation.

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“Have we asked what a person needs to feel confident talking with others about faith, doubt, life, and living?”

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Today, we may not need another Reformation, but we are overdue for what I call a “Reframation” — a fresh approach to how we define and understand disciple-making movements, where people are empowered and equipped to disciple others. Far too many churches today operate as places where the spiritually mature teach while the majority passively consume, then wonder why so many still feel spiritually hungry. Instead of focusing on how to fill our pews, we need to ask how to empower disciple-makers. Instead of reforming our old ways, we need to reframe our thinking and actions, mobilizing people to establish bonds of friendship where significant conversations about faith, doubt, life, and living occur. Conversations, not merely teaching.

A great place to start is by asking, who speaks for the disciple? Have we asked what disciples genuinely want or need? Have we asked what a person needs to feel confident talking with others about faith, doubt, life, and living? Or, as we have for the past 1,500 years or so, have we presumed to know what they need to know? Have we unintentionally created unnecessary barriers, making it seem difficult for individuals to experience the invigorating process of growing in Christ? Have we overlooked the obstacles that make it challenging for one person to experience a genuine connection with another and with God?

If we find ourselves stuck in outdated ways of thinking, it’s time for a reframation, a fresh look, and a challenge into who, what, where, and why we help others spiritually grow. The choice is clear: reframe our approach or accept the consequences of disobedience, as the Israelites did — a path leading to irrelevance. Could it be that we Christians have become irrelevant to our communities because we have disobeyed our call to follow Jesus, not just accept him?

The Unifying Principle of Making Disciples: Serve New Life — New Being and Then New Doing

The failure to help make disciples who help make disciples is not a problem of supply or resources. Unfortunately, it stems from a lack of demand. We know people who need to know Jesus as Lord aren’t knocking down doors, eager to be discipled. Even more concerning, those who already know Jesus as Lord aren’t demanding to be equipped to become disciple-makers. What has gone wrong? Is it possible we have overlooked or ignored the unifying principle of making disciples?

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“When this unifying principle is in operation, spiritual growth flows naturally from inner transformation to outer energization, as seen in the fruit of the Spirit.”

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When it comes to relational discipling, the unifying principle is that a new life creates a new being and a primary role of the local church is to serve new life. As we know, the work of the Holy Spirit involves developing a Christlike character, fostering transformation, and cultivating belonging, which ultimately leads to vertical and horizontal relational intimacy. New life must precede but always includes new doing —the outward actions of ministry and discipling arising from our new being. When this unifying principle is in operation, spiritual growth flows naturally from inner transformation to outer energization, as seen in the fruit of the Spirit. Is it possible the fundamental problem with so much of our current efforts to disciple is that they are based first on doing (knowing and service) rather than first nurturing this new creation to health and vitality?

A Contradiction

There’s a saying: culture eats strategy for breakfast. The problem of failing to make disciples is not due to church leaders not trying hard enough or praying earnestly. That’s strategy. Instead, too often, traditional church culture has shifted from a kingdom culture to a worldly culture. We know that Jesus’ kingdom culture is upside down: die so you can live, serve so you can lead, and be last so you can be first (Matthew 16:24–25; John 12:24–25; Mark 10:43–45; Matthew 20:26–28; Matthew 20:16, 19:30).

Yet, too frequently, we’ve established a model of contemporary church resembling more top-down Rome rather than bottom-up serving like Jesus. Rome represents worldly culture, and, unfortunately, the shadow of traditional church culture (at least for the past 1,500 years) has been marked by prioritizing orthodoxy — control through knowledge — over orthopraxy, a life in Christ (John 5:39–40; 1 Corinthians 8:1). An inescapable question. Is the problem actually church culture when we’re mistakenly thinking it’s a strategy issue?

If that’s the case, how has this mindset of prioritizing knowledge and program over life influenced our ability and capacity to make disciples who make disciples? Have we inadvertently accepted a control-based, teaching-centric, results-oriented “Rome” because it yields tangible outcomes? Have we prioritized doing over the essential aspect of belonging to Christ and His Body — being a new creation? As a result, have we overlooked and violated the unifying principle of making disciples?

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“Spiritual growth occurs when we cultivate it in ourselves and those around us.”

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What we do know is that effective discipling flows first from a transformed heart, not merely from the efficiency of programs or strategies. We must own our belonging to Jesus before we embark on anything. Our sense of belonging shapes our being, and our being, in turn, transforms our Spirit-directed doing — messy though it may be. To reframe disciple-making, we must return to this kingdom-first focus, allowing our being to influence all our doing, and doing to reflect our belonging in Christ. It’s not a simple equation; instead, imagine it as a sphere of spiritual energy in motion.

Inside that sphere is the Holy Spirit energizing the mass. Let’s call it soul-mass. Imagine that sphere is the spiritual us contained in a skin tent, as Paul called it. We must accept that growing in Christ is neither orderly nor linear and is certainly not limited to merely acquiring knowledge. Spiritual growth occurs when we cultivate it in ourselves and those around us.

Practical Steps for Valuing New Life Over Doing

So, how do we foster a culture that values being through new life? Here are some practical actions to consider:

• Value spiritual growth over measurable growth: A full auditorium doesn’t necessarily mean spiritual health, nor do empty seats necessarily mean spiritual decline. Focus on individual spiritual health found in the exercise of spiritual disciplines.
• Create a culture of relational intimacy: Encourage deep, authentic connections rather than surface-level engagement. Intimacy requires trust, and trust takes time. Trust is learned more than it is earned.
• Think in terms of generational change: Focus on long-term spiritual growth rather than short-term metrics. It’s possible that some won’t live long enough to see the fruit of a bountiful harvest. Think like a tree farmer, not a corn farmer.
• Replace control with facilitation: Create environments where people can explore and grow spiritually without exerting top-down control. Trust people to be good equippers if they have been equipped well.
• Value love over obedience: Emphasize the importance of being loved by Christ and loving others over mere adherence to rules.

As I look at addressing relational discipling, I often feel like an ant overwhelmed in trying to change the trajectory of a 600,000-pound ball called traditional church culture. When I mentioned that to a friend, he said, “Study nature. In the end, the ant always wins!”

In an upcoming article, we’ll explore the supporting elements of intentional relational discipling, reinforcing, and reframing through the lens of the unifying principle.

Feedback

As we explore reframing discipleship in a new light, what are your “yah buts” and your “what ifs”? If an open, other-centered conversation is at the heart of discipling intentionally, then we need to talk. We need to listen, ponder, and pray. And we need to ask.

Send your thoughts and questions to Light + Life at fmcusa.org/contact-us (select Communications from the department list), and we’ll explore what you think and feel about relational discipling.

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