Conversations With Children About Faith

By Rachael Botting

If we were ever able to pull off a family gathering with all the women in my small group, we would have 16 women and 28 children — all under the age 5. It would be chaotic and loud, and it would be beautiful.

Although we have yet to pull off this gathering, we have the blessing of gathering as moms every other week to study Scripture and talk about our faith together. It’s not quite as loud, but it is just as beautiful. We often read through a book or watch a video series together, but as a leader, it is the beginning and end of group that I love the most.

As people trickle in at the beginning, or slowly gather their belongings at the end, we take time to share life together, to talk about the kids we have and the kids we are praying for, and to support and encourage one another as disciples of Jesus who pray their children will take on the same identity someday. Currently, many of us are discerning our way through decisions about education for our children. We agree that there is no “right” option for every child, every family, every place, or every time.

But, regardless of what we choose, one fear seems to bang at the door of all our hearts: am I doing enough? I am sure we are not alone.

Handing Down the Faith

As Christian parents, it is our desire that our children grow up to follow Jesus on their own, and it is natural to wonder, especially since parents are generally the primary source of influence in this area, if all the things that we are doing for our kids will be enough to accomplish that goal. These questions are weighty for a reason — research has shown time and time again that when it comes to religious faith, nothing outweighs the formative power of parents — but I have found hope in the findings of a study from the National Study of Youth and Religion, the results of which were shared in the book “Handing Down the Faith.”

This nationwide study looked at a multitude of factors that contribute to transmission of faith from one generation to another and isolated one variable as most essential: child-led conversation. Parents that talk with their children about faith are much more effective at passing on that faith to their children and much more likely to see their children hold onto personal faith as they grow into their teen and young adult years.

So, what does it mean to have child-led conversations about faith?

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 “Engaging with children in conversation about their questions, their experiences, and their convictions is an essential and profoundly simple formative tool.”

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With Rather Than to

First, it means that we talk with children rather than talking to children. When we talk with children, we view them as a conversation partner that we are dialoguing with rather than a student we are teaching.

Anyone who has taught Sunday school or worked in kids ministry for more than a few years will tell you that they learn just as much from the children they serve as the children learn from them. If you’ve ever been around a child between the ages of 4 and 8, you know that “childlike faith” cannot mean “questionless faith.”

Children ask tons of questions, and I often wonder if, when Jesus talks about “childlike faith,” He was praising their willingness to ask questions to a loving, dependable God rather than their ignorance or naivety. Engaging with children in conversation about their questions, their experiences, and their convictions is an essential and profoundly simple formative tool.

Informal Conversation

Second, it means that if you are like me and your children simply will not sit still for a family devotional or Bible story, you don’t have to beat yourself up. Whenever I read through the gospels, it strikes me to observe how much of Jesus’ teaching with His disciples happened on causal walks from one place to another. There were times when Jesus intentionally and directly taught a specific lesson, but much of His teaching was through informal, life-on-life conversation and reflection on events.

While it is good to integrate intentional, focused Bible study time into our family rhythms, it is also important that we learn to engage all of life’s experiences as conversational learning tools. If it is true that all things have come from God and are held together in God (John 1), then everything we experience, from the simple to the profound, can provide fodder for conversation.

A worm on the sidewalk becomes a conversation about creation. A thunderstorm on a camping trip leads to a conversation about trust. An ambulance sighting becomes a conversation about healing. A new cousin becomes a conversation about life. An encounter with a grumpy grocery store clerk leads to a conversation about compassion. A parent mistake leads to a conversation about forgiveness.

Wondering and Discovering

Third, it means that we invite ourselves, especially with younger children, to exercise our atrophied “wonder” muscle. Children are natural wonderers. This is why they love to play make-believe.

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 “It’s not our job to have the answers; it’s our job to have the conversation.”

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They learn through stories, even if they don’t always make sense. They wonder about how things work and explore possibilities through trial and error. Rather than giving them the answers directly, we can lead them to discover the answers to their questions such that they internalize the truth in their hearts. Beginning conversations or responding to questions with the simple phrase “I wonder” engages children as active learners rather than passive recipients.

For many years before I became a mom, I worked at a summer camp where I ran a program for incoming college students. Each summer, before the new students arrived, I would gather my 50 summer staff at the end of training and give them one last piece of advice: “The most important three words you can say this week are: I don’t know.”

My staff members were upperclassmen, and over the years I learned that they often came feeling like they needed to be able to answer every question a new student would ask them with a clear, direct answer. I think the same is true for parents. We often feel like we must have all the answers, and fear of our own intellectual inadequacy can cause us to shut down many conversations with our children.

Here’s the good news: It’s not our job to have the answers; it’s our job to have the conversation. When we have the conversation and admit when we don’t know something, especially as it relates to our faith, children learn the importance of intellectual humility. They learn that it is OK to ask questions. They learn that it is OK to discover answers over time. They learn that there is no end to the conversations they can have with their parents, and no end to the conversations they can have with their Savior.

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