My Journey With OCD and Anxiety

By Stephen Coates

When I was about 13 years old, I had something of a mental health crisis that eventually led to a diagnosis of generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). While I could tell a very long story about my journey with OCD and anxiety — and how God has been faithful to me in the midst of it and led me through it — that is not what I want to focus on in this particular story.

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“I lived in what felt like a state of constant panic that if I stepped one toe out of line, God would remove His Spirit from me, and my relationship with God would be ruined forever.”

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Suffice it to say that my struggle with anxiety and OCD had a significant impact on my relationship with God. My obsessive-compulsive tendencies led me to approach my faith in an extremely legalistic manner. As a teenager, I lived in what felt like a state of constant panic that if I stepped one toe out of line, God would remove His Spirit from me, and my relationship with God would be ruined forever. I became so obsessive about avoiding any possible sin that I would spend perhaps 30 minutes in the morning agonizing over which pair of socks God wanted me to wear for the day, terrified that I would choose the wrong pair and disobey God’s will.

Thankfully, God has been incredibly faithful to me over the years. He has gradually brought more and more healing into my life through Christian counseling, medication, the care of family and friends, and through the consistent work of His Holy Spirit.

One of the most amazing things that I have observed over the years is that God is not willing to settle for “good enough” in my healing from anxiety and OCD. Whenever I think I have arrived at a place where I think I am in a good spot with managing my anxiety and OCD, God has shown me that He has more blessings of healing to lavish on me. This past year, I have experienced this lavishing of His healing power in abundance. 

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“I still struggled to really believe, deep in my soul, that God was good and that He really loved me.”

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For many years now, I have been what I might call “functional” in my anxiety and OCD. Both conditions have remained present in my life, but they have no longer been the dominant force in my day-to-day existence. God has continued to help me grow and to release more and more of my perfectionistic, legalistic approach to life and faith into His hands. Yet, I still struggled to really believe, deep in my soul, that God was good and that He really loved me — to believe that I was truly safe in His care and that He would not abandon me at the first sign of a sin or a mistake. 

Approaching Prayer

One particular area in which OCD has continued to manifest in my life is in my approach to prayer. It is very easy for me to slip into a very ritualistic type of prayer, feeling that I must check off all the prayer requests on my mental list and concerned that God will be displeased if I forget to pray for someone. While I know in my head that this is a faulty way of thinking about prayer, I have struggled to practically approach prayer in any other way.

One Sunday last autumn, after a night and morning of struggling with this particular issue, I approached my pastor after church and explained what I was wrestling with. We had talked a number of times before about this issue and other issues related to how my anxiety and OCD led to a misunderstanding of God’s character. My pastor prayed with me, and we talked. 

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“I saw and felt a love so incredibly strong that nothing could shake it.”

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Then, suddenly, in a way I cannot explain, it was as if the veil between heaven and earth was lifted for a moment and I could see, in its fullness and with vivid clarity, the incredible depth and height and breadth and width of God’s love for me. I saw and felt a love so incredibly strong that nothing could shake it. At that moment, I knew that God had a passion for me that transcends the ability of my words to express and that He looked at me with joy.

I was completely overwhelmed and began to sob uncontrollably. There was so much wrapped up in those tears — years of heartache, pain, and weariness, a desperate plea for God to set me free from the burden of anxiety and OCD, but, most importantly, an overwhelming and uncontainable joy at the knowledge that God did in fact love me and delight in me. At that moment, I understood God’s love for me at a soul level. I had always known in my head that God loved me, but this was something so much deeper and more profound. It sunk into the core of my being, and I could feel the truth of God’s love firmly taking root. 

I sensed God telling me that my journey with anxiety and OCD was not over, but that it didn’t matter because I now had the answer to all my questions. His indescribable and overwhelming love was the only answer I needed.

God’s Extravagant Love

Since that day, God has continued to pour out His Holy Spirit on me and to remind me time and time again of His extravagant love. He has consistently spoken to me through a dear friend who is a co-worker and member of my church. This friend has the precious gift of seeing in the Spirit, and God has used him several times to speak to me powerfully and just at the right moment through visions from the Spirit that he has humbly, quietly, and unobtrusively written down during church and then shared with me after service (perhaps another story for another day).

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“The books have such a consistently clear and powerful message of finding our identity as beloved children of the King and how that makes all the difference.”

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The Wake-Up Call has also been one of the Spirit’s most consistent means of confirming His love for me. Another was The Wingfeather Saga book series by Andrew Peterson, which I picked up for the first time in January. The books have such a consistently clear and powerful message of finding our identity as beloved children of the King and how that makes all the difference. I was often in tears as I worked through the books as I was once again overwhelmed by the love of God. Another powerful way in which he spoke to me recently was through a student (I am a high school teacher at Oakdale Christian Academy). He came to me to thank me for the influence I had on his life and told me, “You are the kind of person who will hear one day, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.’” 

Though I cannot say that my anxiety and OCD are completely gone, I can say that ever since that day when I experienced that incredible outpouring of the Holy Spirit and of God’s immeasurable love, life has been different. I now know, truly know, that God loves me. While I may have moments of anxiety, I no longer doubt that fact. And that soul-level knowledge that I am a beloved child of God has made it much easier for me to set aside my other doubts and worries and to focus on Him and the life He has blessed me with. His love is truly the answer to every question and every fear.

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